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Halfhearted Resolutions

January 3, 2007

It’s an annual ritual we do at the office. We make a list of Resolutions for the New Year (Some of Them Funny). For some reason, this has become an agonizing exercise for me this year. I am split down the middle. Part of me is happy to delude myself and get all enthusiastic about doing new things and believing that I will change (e.g., #2: “Get thin”).

Another part of me looks at every resolution as an apology. Every one of them is a ladel full of tar splattered into the holes in the hull. (E.g. #4: “Be a mensch.”)

Then I get all gamery about it and try to build in tricky mechanisms to encourage certain actions on the part of the player. (That’s me.) For example, Resolution #5: “Print out resolutions and track them,” which is meant to be some kind of binding resolution to keep me, the slippery and lazy congressman who just wants to get reelected, in line. But of course that stuff doesn’t work. In a few weeks, these resolutions will just be fogged-out landmarks on the horizon behind me.

Unless. Unless, unless. Unless this year is different. So let’s keep our fingers crossed for #1: “Deliver.” And also for #15: “A fucking zeppelin.”

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