May 20, 2004

Lions and Alligators and Bears
Free citizens are fighting off deadly attacks across North America, from Alaska to Florida. Behold the following three stories of citizens fighting off wild animals. (Thought I was going to say “terroristic practices,” did you?) We start in the north, then go south and east.

No shit, he’s troubled: He’s being eaten by a bear. In Alaska, a teen slugs a bear that attacks his campground during the night. The kid’s part of an outing for troubled teens, which only complicates the matter. Is being attacked by a bear going to make him more or less troubled back in regular society, do you think? Would a well-adjusted teen have the gumption to deck a grizzly? One wonders.

First time mountain-biking, and a damn cougar crashes into him.You know what goes good with a mountain bike? A mountain lion. This crazy British Columbian on a bike gets chased by a reportedly 180-pound cougar, then flips over, and scares the cat off. Maybe if gazelles had mountain bikes they’d be able to chase off lions, too.

Dear Florida, This is what I’m fucking talking about! Yours, The Midwest. Here in the Midwest, we have squirrels and swimming holes. Down in Florida, if you want to go swimming, you’ve got to be able to fist-fight giant lizards. Sure, that’s pretty bad-ass, but don’t you mosquito buffets down there think it’s a high price to pay to go swimming in a swamp? If nothing else, maybe you shouldn’t take a dip someplace if the lizards there are bigger than you. I’m just saying.

Anyway, this pissed-looking punk got bitten in the head (I swear, yesterday the report said “bit in the head”) and pulled under before he socked that ‘gator what good. Now he’s gonna get himself one a’ them jet-skis and a meat-hook, then go and get that chunk of his ear back. Bruckheimer’s already got Hans Zimmer’s electric guitars cooking for the film version, featuring CSI: Miami‘s preposterously named Horatio Caine (David Caruso) as the crime scene investigator hot on the trail of the thrill-killing alligator. Caine teams up with young Malcolm Locke to bring the beast down, no matter the cost. A CG Robert Shaw will be added in post.


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