Archive for May, 2004

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May 31, 2004

Raccoons With Candy
Imagine an animal, perhaps a raccoon, wanders into your yard, making a quite a racket. Imagine it’s got something very appetizing with it; a bag of candy, for instance. You’d feel entitled to take it from the animal, wouldn’t you? It is, after all, just an animal and it’s your yard and you’re more entitled to that tasty vittle than some little varmint, right? Now imagine you’re a bear and the raccoon’s wearing boots by L.L. Bean.

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May 26, 2004

Great Ingredients

If the key to any quality dish is the use of great ingredients, then this forthcoming movie could be one of the best things I’ll ever taste. Three of my favorite actors (Jude Law, Paul Bettany, and Jennifer Connelly) in one of my favorite historical periods for film (1920-1930) equals one positive vibe. I don’t recall what the movie’s named, but I don’t care; for me it’s “that 1920s movie starring Jude and Mr. and Mrs. Jennifer Connelly.”

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May 25, 2004

Evidence of Geekery; Exhibit B
Tomorrow is all about this. I hope it’s a good day.

For the rest of you: Spend a little time with one of the world’s great performing scholars, courtesy of streaming audio at Ricky Jay’s website. (Thanks to Jeff Tidball for the link.)

Noise: Yoko Kano, “Pulse,” from the Macross Plus soundtrack, volume 2

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May 20, 2004

Lions and Alligators and Bears
Free citizens are fighting off deadly attacks across North America, from Alaska to Florida. Behold the following three stories of citizens fighting off wild animals. (Thought I was going to say “terroristic practices,” did you?) We start in the north, then go south and east.

No shit, he’s troubled: He’s being eaten by a bear. In Alaska, a teen slugs a bear that attacks his campground during the night. The kid’s part of an outing for troubled teens, which only complicates the matter. Is being attacked by a bear going to make him more or less troubled back in regular society, do you think? Would a well-adjusted teen have the gumption to deck a grizzly? One wonders.

First time mountain-biking, and a damn cougar crashes into him.You know what goes good with a mountain bike? A mountain lion. This crazy British Columbian on a bike gets chased by a reportedly 180-pound cougar, then flips over, and scares the cat off. Maybe if gazelles had mountain bikes they’d be able to chase off lions, too.

Dear Florida, This is what I’m fucking talking about! Yours, The Midwest. Here in the Midwest, we have squirrels and swimming holes. Down in Florida, if you want to go swimming, you’ve got to be able to fist-fight giant lizards. Sure, that’s pretty bad-ass, but don’t you mosquito buffets down there think it’s a high price to pay to go swimming in a swamp? If nothing else, maybe you shouldn’t take a dip someplace if the lizards there are bigger than you. I’m just saying.

Anyway, this pissed-looking punk got bitten in the head (I swear, yesterday the report said “bit in the head”) and pulled under before he socked that ‘gator what good. Now he’s gonna get himself one a’ them jet-skis and a meat-hook, then go and get that chunk of his ear back. Bruckheimer’s already got Hans Zimmer’s electric guitars cooking for the film version, featuring CSI: Miami‘s preposterously named Horatio Caine (David Caruso) as the crime scene investigator hot on the trail of the thrill-killing alligator. Caine teams up with young Malcolm Locke to bring the beast down, no matter the cost. A CG Robert Shaw will be added in post.

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May 19, 2004

Evidence of Geekery, Exhibit A:
This is the best thing I heard all day. For more, read David Lance Goines’ article here, if you like Christopher Marlowe and mathematics.

millihelen
n. (unit of measure): The quantity of beauty necessary to launch one ship.

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May 19, 2004

Wedding to be Held 100 Years Ago
We’re just about positive we’re having the wedding at the Glessner House, located in the historic Prarie Avenue District of Chicago. Sara says “It’s as close as we’re going to get to being married in Chicago a hundred years ago.” And so it shall be.

I’ve finally caught a bit of a breather from my utterly ridiculous work schedule. Then I took on a new assignment, signed an NDA, and started work on that. So now I’m busy again. In the best way, though, really. ‘Cause weddings is ‘spensive.

Yesterday, for example, I got three hours of sleep (4:30am to 7:30am) and plumb forgot to eat. For a while I thought that would be how I lost weight for the wedding, but later on my brain felt like a sponge floating in a fish bowl, then my skull cracked open and leaked whine all over my evening, so maybe I need a new plan. It did clear one thing up for me, though: Perhaps I got all those headaches in high school because I wasn’t sleeping or eating breakfast? ‘Course, that and gym class got me thin for a little while, too. So ’round and ’round I go.

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May 19, 2004

Evil Index
(This is an unfinished concept that I probably won’t come back to because I’m not business-savvy enough to pull it off, so I’m just posting it now.)

It seems the profit margin is the golden idol at the heart of the businessman’s temple; everything’s built around it. Many educated, successful businesspeople are able to understand price indeces, economies of scale, profit margins, stock markets, and interest rates, but unable to grok basic ethics. So, I submit that we need to quantify unethical practices into a measurable factor that can be charted, reported on each quarter, and given exclusive jargon–because high-powered business-types won’t hire common-sense ideas unless they wear Armani suits to the interview.

The evil index is a chart indicating the price and scale of evil behavior necessary to produce a certain product or generate a certain profit margin over time. If Company A is performing more evil acts than necessary to produce desired results, they’ll know by consulting the evil index. Better, Company A can compare how evil Company B has to be to earn a similar result, and so see if they’re overpaying in evil practices.

The convict margin is the ratio gross prison sentence divided by years in business. Note that this is not sentences served, but projected sentences for any given acts, assuming capture, conviction, and average sentencing.

Health difference is the sum of top-three tier executive salaries minus employee debts stemming from necessary hospital visits and necessary medical costs.